Friends With Benefits

What exactly is this all about?

It involves two friends or acquaintances coming together and having a clear understanding that all they both want from each other is Sex and nothing more. Both parties may or may not be in other relationships.

One party might be in a relationship while the other is not. Regardless of what the situation is, they both know what the score is and ideally, should not have expectations of the relationship beyond that.

For many different reasons, the friends with benefits syndrome has gained a lot more popularity in recent times, mostly due to the scarcity of Relationship prospects in the cut-throat world of Dating. Another reason is that a lot of people have had bad experiences in conventional relationships, and so have embraced this more self-fulfilling form as a way of taking ownership of their sexual experience.

This syndrome has its Pros and Cons, just like with every single endeavor in life; I’ll run you through some of these now:

Pro #1: Freedom from Commitment is possibly the greatest Pro of all when it comes to being ‘friends with benefits with someone. No-one feels used, because no initial promises were made. Let’s face it, EVERYONE likes to have their cake and eat it. Offering a guy MAD sex from a HOT chick, without any form of commitment, is like telling a little child that Santa is not only real, but is moving into his bedroom with him. Like seriously, as a guy, if I didn’t suffer from the gross inconvenience of a conscience, I would have me a whole harem of ‘Friends with Benefits’. As in really, why not?! I make no promises, have no expectations of the other person and she’s dishing it out to me when, where, and however I want it?! Sheeeettttt…

Pro #2: The fact that a person agreed at all to being friends with benefits automatically clears out the liberty to have any unrealistic expectations of the other person. It will be a total breach of contract for a friend with benefit to angrily scream at the other person, “Why have you not been picking up my calls?” or “Why were you flirting with that other person in front of me?” friends with benefits and demands are two concepts that operate on very opposing poles of the Relationship World Order. Oh the bliss of a Demand-free life…

Pro #3: Life can get a little Lonely sometimes. I can relate with that right now, and sometimes, I just want the comfort of good intimate company. Being friends with benefits allows the killing of two Guinea fowls with one Rocket Launcher. Sex and the need for Companionship met at one go!!

Pro #4: The process of Dating can be a looonnggg thing!! friends with benefits spare each other the long drawn- out process of candle-lit dinners, running along the Beach-front Nollywood style, feeding each other in a fast-food restaurant, wondering if ‘He/She is that into you’ or not, and every other Dating Palaver there is. It’s simply “Wham…come around lets get down Ma’am?!”

Pro #5: Guys and Girls alike, suffer from what is known as performance Anxiety. “Would she laugh when she discovers I’m a 30-second man?” “How would he react when he sees that the Savannah Rain Forest has nothing on me down there?” the desire to make a good impression can often take away the pleasure of sexual unity between two people who are in the conventional dating game. But  with friends with benefits, you are so intent on getting pleasure, that flabs can actually be viewed as the most beautiful thing EVER!!

So let me stop there with the Pros, before I’m mistaken to be the official Ambassador for friends with benefits, lol.

Now to the Cons…

Con #1: One major disadvantage about being friends with benefits with someone is that the situation can go on forever!! It can get so comfortable and just go on and on until you realize that you’ve actually become stuck in it. One or both parties would still have their friends with benefits on the side through any serious relationships they enter. It can be pretty difficult to get rid of a friend with benefits no matter how hard you try. It’s like having a secret thrill that is always available for you whenever you need it, so letting go is a problem on its own.

Con #2: The Ultimate downside of friends with benefits is the demon of Feelings. One way or the other, in most situations, emotional baggage must enter. Then, one party begins to feel short-changed by the other party. The initial comfort becomes compromised and then resentment sets in. This is most common especially with the girls…it’s not easy especially when you see the guy actually committing himself to someone else. You then begin to wonder what is wrong with you that didn’t allow him to see you as someone worth committing to.

Con #3: Another downside attached to feelings is that when someone practicing friends with benefits catches the‘Emotional Bug’, they most likely will try as much as possible to suppress it, for fear that expressing what they feel to the other person may cause them to lose the person totally. So they endure hardship, while all the while pretending like all is cool and they really don’t want more from the relationship.

Con #4: One advantage of an IDEAL friends with benefits situation is the secrecy involved. Not everyone needs to know. But seeing that a lot of Guys (especially) only feel relevant when they brag about their conquests, they go out pointing out their Keles to the whole world, forgetting the fact that society judges women more harshly for the sins of both the man and woman. So a Girl who was just set out to have some fun by indulging in a ‘harmless escapade’ gets labeled a WHORE just because someone wanted to feel important.

Con #5: This happens a lot with guys and also with girls, depending on the individuals involved. People get very territorial when the prefix ‘MY’ is attached to something. Even if it’s ‘MY Kele’, ‘MY Scrobo’, or ‘MY Booty Call’, it’s human nature not to want anyone else to cross that territorial Boundary. It takes a very generous guy to want to share any of his ‘Keles’ with other people. So the other person feels trapped and it then becomes a question of “You don’t WANT me, but you also don’t want any other person to want me”. Na there WAHALA  dey begin

I hope with these few points of mine I have been able to clearly point out what the whole friends with benefits story is all about, Thank you

lmao

if only...

I wish the skies would darken and the sun fall asleep
I wish the thunder screams for me
and the skies cry my tears
I wish you'd go away and never come back
Yes, go away and dont look back
I wish I could go into yesterday and yank you out
I wish I never met you
I feel a chill up to my spine
and I know its not the winds outside
Its the tears i refuse to cry over you
the hurt I refuse to acknowledge
The shabby life you have left me with
What once used to be called happy
What once used to be called love
all gone in the twinkle of an eye
I wish I could go into yesterday and yank you out
I wish the rain would fall and cry the tears I refuse to cry

DREAMS

Dreams are a crazy stuff, especially when malaria has a hand and a foot in it. Fancy the dream I had last night. It was so scary it made a horror film look like a routine Lagos traffic jam. I woke up sweating and decided it was time to see the doctor.

I dreamt that Senator Ahmed Yerima was elected the President of Nigeria. He settled into Aso Rock and introduced a thirteen year old, Fatima, as his wife and First Lady of Nigeria. That instantly posed a problem for the media which did not know whether Nigeria had a First Child or First Lady. Opinion was divided, but Ray Ekpu of Newswatch stepped in and decided that the media should hold a national conference and take a common position on how to address the President’s teen wife so as not to embarrass the President. The Nobel laureate Prof. Wole Soyinka maintained that to be grammatically correct, we should not address a child as a lady and asserted with authority that a “lady” is a term used to address “mature women” not “children.” He argued that she should remain a “First Child until further notice.”

But the People’s Democratic Party maintained that the problem was not grammatical but political. To which famous lawyer, Chief Femi Falana pointed out that the “child” in question was not of voting age and as such should not impose a political burden on the country. He maintained that the nation should assume that the President had no legal wife or in the alternative ask him to produce another wife worthy of being addressed as a First Lady and who was of voting age.

We were still trying to solve the matter when we heard that some civil right groups had taken the matter to the court to annul the marriage and let the child go back to school. We told them to hold on that the child was still in school and will actually be a part time First Child or First Lady and part time student. The case was dropped. We would have rested the matter there but guess what? Along came Prof. Dora Akunyili (I mean Prof Dora Akunyili again!) and said she had it on good authority that Her Excellency was still bed-wetting. She said it would do great damage to her rebranding exercise and wondered “how you could rebrand a country when the First Lady was busy wetting beds abroad.”

The Federal Ministry of Health responded promptly that it had developed drugs which could take care of bed-wetting, but if the drugs were not okay, then the First Lady could use catheter in the night and not wet beds in presidential guest houses abroad. Everyone was relieved but guess what? The Central Bank came charging that such money would not be charged to any budgetary item and would amount to an extra-budgetary expenditure and fraud. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission agreed and said the National Assembly should approve a “Bed-wetting allowance” for the president, before any fund was drawn. They noted that if the man were to travel as much as President Olusegun Obasanjo did, then it would add to the national inflation and would be difficult to justify based on existing financial regulations.

Well the debate was still raging when we heard that President Barrack Obama was coming to Nigeria on astate visit and would be accompanied by his wife, Michele. Civil liberties organizations swung into action and tried to persuade the American Embassy to postpone the trip until the “First Lady” issue was resolved. But the Embassy said the visit was part of a tour of strategic African states and Nigeria was amongst the most important in Africa. 

Obama actually came and was met on the tarmac by President Yerima with his wife, Fatima, in tow. Obama thought Her Execllency, Mrs Fatima Yeriama, was the garland girl and bent down to have her hang a garland on his neck. Her Excellency on the other hand thought differently in the innocence of her childlike heart, and thought he was bending down to admire her dress. She giggled and said, “Isn’t this a very wonderful dress? It is the same color with my undies.” 

Michele laughed heartily and picked up Her Excellency in her hands, stroking her head. I nearly fainted! She turned to President Yerima and said, “This should be your beautiful daughter, where is her mother -your wife?” To which President Yerima looked at her stunned, not knowing what to say. The American ambassador to Nigeria stepped in and saved the situation, “Mrs. Obama, that is the President’s wife that you are carrying in your hands. You may wish to put her down beside her husband so that the reception will continue.”

The Nigerian First Lady who had been struggling to get out of Michele’s hands, looked up indignantly at the American First Lady, said, “I will not be your friend again. Only my husband carries me up and you dared to carry me up.”

President Obama stroked his tie thoughtfully and said, “Let us not have a diplomatic row over this, I forgot to tell Michele that in Africa you catch them young. It is entirely my fault. My apologies to the First Couple. And now Mr President can we proceed to other reception formalities?”

Soon the airport reception was over and the two First Ladies had to while away time while the Presidents discussed matters of state. Mrs Yerima insisted on showing Mrs Obama her toys and her grades in school. The other women stood idly by as one baby doll after the other was shown to Mrs Obama. “My husband bought this toy for me from China, she can even sing, let me play it for you.” Mrs Obama nodded.

Her Excellency Fatima hit the button and the doll began to sing, “God damn America the great Satan, down with the infidels and down with the west…” Mrs. Obama cringed but the child paid her no heed.

She bounded over to the television and turned it on. Then she moved the dial to Cartoon Network and turned to Mrs Obama, “Do you watch Tom and Jerry?” But by this time Mrs Obama had had enough, she fainted and had to be flown back to America.
I was filing the report to my editor when my wife woke me up and said it was time to take my anti-malaria drug.