Monday 17 January 2011

NOT SURE OF A SUITABLE TITLE!

So it’s over. Maybe it was a break (which doesnt make sense to me), maybe just a breakup, but, in any case, she’s gone (deal with it). Chances are she left you, because two thirds to three quarters of most breakups in dating relationships are initiated by women. Now you’re alone -- maybe for the first time in a long while. The longer you have been in a relationship, the more daunting this may sound. But a new girlfriend may be the last thing you need right now.

We usually start lining up prospective 'babes', 'friends with benefits' and what have you even while the smell of our ex’s perfume is still lingering in the air. You may fantasise about having choices again, and as soon as friends see you as “single” some of them may offer to “fix you up” with their friend who is also newly single or want to just hook you up with random girls to keep your mind off your recent break/break up. It can be flattering, and it can be exciting, but more likely it is confusing. You may not have dated in years, and you may find the whole process more anxiety-provoking than fun.

When a relationship ends, we often say that we are going to be very cautious about our next one. Yet, the statistics show that single life tends to be short-lived for most of us. For guys whose girlfriend called it quits, that period of single life is really short-lived.

Why are we so quick to rush into another relationship you may ask? After all, if you have been in a committed relationship that has lasted for a year or more, what are the odds that the first or second woman you meet after the breakup is the perfect match for you?

Guys also may quickly start a new relationship because they dread the idea of being alone. But being alone does not necessarily imply being lonely. After all, some of the saddest cases of loneliness occur when you feel unloved tolerated or pitied in a relationship as was the case of some of us.

Some of us are anxious to jump into a new relationship in order to find a new sexual partner. If this is you, remember to use your brain, the part above the belt, and not the part below that all too often wants to call the shots (lol).

Personally, I feel the major reason that men prematurely get into a new committed relationship is to avoid the pain associated with the loss of the previous relationship. This is quite natural. Almost everybody will use pain killers to quell a headache, for example. However, the pain after a relationship ends is part of the recovery process. It makes you reevaluate the relationship, its history, the mistakes you made, and the meaning of it for your life. Most importantly, the pain can help you avoid making similar mistakes in the future. Unfortunately, people don’t really learn very well from their mistakes in relationships.

You are not ready to engage in another committed relationship soon after a breakup (FACT). You may think that you are, but you are overestimating yourself. If you have ever sustained a sports injury -- say, a sprained ankle while playing ball -- you probably remember being anxious to get back on the field as soon as possible after getting hurt. But if you rush to resume your old regimen before your ankle is fully healed, you will most likely re-injure it -- but this time the injury will be more severe and put you out of commission for a lot longer. This is exactly your situation now, but instead of your ankle being injured, it’s your “heart” that's suffering. Give it the time it needs to heal before you get into a new relationship.

Consider these thoughts as you get tempted to find a new girlfriend:

Don’t look to another woman to make you feel OK: If you are still hurting, don’t try to bandage the wound by explaining your plight to another female. She can't make it better, but you can. Instead of distracting yourself or looking to a new girlfriend to ease the pain you feel, work on self-improvement and self-understanding. The last thing you need is another failed relationship.

Find comfort in being alone: Strangely enough, unless you are comfortable being alone, you are probably not ready for a new relationship. The best relationships grow out of a desire to be with a particular person, not from the fear of being with no one at all. To be comfortable with being alone means you: don’t feel depressed when you don’t have someone with you; can take care of your own basic needs; don’t need someone else to entertain you; and can deal with not having a regular sexual partner.  

Let go of your anger at your ex: Yes, she may have hurt you, but you learned at different points of your life and in different ways that two wrongs don’t make a right.

Be careful not to party too hard: Drowning your sorrows via drinking won’t change anything for the better. Instead, focus on improving yourself

Develop some new part of yourself: In order to connect more with others, look for situations in which you can be yourself, have fun, learn something and, later down the line, make contacts. Developing pastimes is very important, and they can make a huge difference in the quality of your life.

You will know you are more ready to have a new relationship when you can consider the possibility of going out with a woman without masses of anger or anxiety welling up in you, have reconnected with people in non-romantic ways, are not preoccupied with thoughts of your previous relationship, can tolerate living on your own and being by yourself, can find meaningful and interesting things to do even if you are alone and finally have developed ways to meet and engage with new people.

Feel free to drop your views and/or comments on what you agree or don't agree with.

2 comments:

  1. once again...ur degree and rep comez 2d rescue...lol....nice one!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Waaaoooooow! NICE...very insightful and very true.

    ReplyDelete